So now, I’m going home. I’m terrified. Don’t get me wrong. Life back home is scary and hard but the Lord’s will is the Lord’s will. But the Lord is not a man that He would lie. He’s not. He’s not.

Faithful, He’s always faithful. True, He’s always true.

You’ll never leave me, You’re always with me. You’re good.

I’ve been reading  Dealing with the Praise and Rejection of Man by Bob Sorge. It’s been really ministering to my heart about the correlation between the praise and rejection of man. If you leave yourself open to the praise of man, if you lap it up and swim in it, than you are leaving yourself vulnerable to rejection of man. We’re all going to be rejected at one point or another. But if we learn that all we need is the acceptance of the Lord (via the Holy Spirit) we’ll find that rejection to be zings instead of stabbing, deep wounds. Because we’ll know that we have the acceptance of the only One that really counts.

The subject of the book is not based around forgiveness, but it’s been speaking to me about that as well. There are two kinds of forgiveness:

1. When you forgive someone for trespasses against you, but you still think in your heart “I don’t need to hold a grudge against you anymore because the Lord is going to get you “garments stained red, Isaiah 63:3” style.

2. When you forgive that same person and you embrace it so fully that you wish for their trespass against you, to not even show up on record on the Day of Judgement.

That second one is the kind of forgiveness to which we are called. It’s the same kind that Jesus practiced. It’s the kind of forgiveness that I’ve never even given a second thought to. But for the first time in my life, I’m pursuing it.

During highschool, a close of friend of mine tried to rape me. Over the course of the next three years, he continually sexually harassed and assaulted me. For a long time, that seriously messed with the way that I could relate to people. It made me overly suspicious and I was almost unable to form any meaningful relationships. Over the last two months I’ve started to realize that because I had not forgiven him, I was unable to put it behind me and begin to heal. I can’t say that I’ve forgiven him completely, but I’m definitely closer to walking in forgiveness than I have been for the last 5 years. (Praise God)

It’s been an exciting couple of weeks for me and nothing will ever be the same.

I’ve been feeling like God has been saying to me. “Listen, I’m glad your at IHOP. But don’t think that all the problems you had at home didn’t follow you here. Your depression, dependencies, hurts and pains all got on that plane with you. You’re hurting and I hate that. But you are NOT going to get better until you realize that I am your home. ME. And only I can fix you and only if you let me.”

IHOP, Jersey, Istanbul… it’s all the same. Nothing’s going to change except the view from my window until I let Him change it.

That’s code for ” NotGonnaSeeMeForThirtyDays”. I’m really nervous. I’m taking the whole month of November and writing a novel from scratch. The minimum requirment is 50,000 words/175 pages. I guess I’ll catch y’all at the end, then?

I hate my job. More specifically, I hate what my job isn’t. It isn’t as a full time intercessory missionary. Instead, ut’s a part time job at a copy center. I work all day and I’m too tired to fulfill my sacred trust at the end of the day. That’s the truth of situation.

Life has been harder here than it was in Jersey.

And that’s just plain ole sad.

I lost myself a long time ago. The only thing left to remind me is the rattle of dry bones in my chest.  I feel like there’s nothing more substantial to me than a bones. Dry, hard, bleached bones.

I’m fading away.

I miss my family.

I miss my friends.

I miss the way things used to be. Before I made so many mistakes that there was no turning back.

I miss the warmth and security of living in my parent’s house, the home of my youth.

Kansas City is something wholly different than anything I’ve ever expierenced. There have been times when I had no money to eat. Times when I didn’t know if I could make rent. It’s all been miraculously provided for. But I’m surrounded by awesome people here and we all just want the same thing, to be friends of God. I guess you wouldn’t understand what I’m talking about unless you lived here. It probably sounds questionable, a community of twenty somethings running hard after God and forsaking all the things of the world. As akward and unrealistic as it sounds on paper, it’s a truly awesome thing to behold in actuality. I’m really blessed to be here for such a time as this. Something big is coming and I’ve never been more excited.

It isn’t something tangible, like reading the Bible in a year or committing myself to more service hours. It’s a heart thing, yet it is still a worthy thing.

I’m going to try and stop operating out of my woundedness.

It’s a pretty big commitment. Probably only surpassed by saying, “Dear Lord, I’m going to stop sinning now. Don’t laugh, I mean it. What do you mean lying is a sin? I’m not lying. Oh. Oh, I am? I’ll start not doing that now.”

When we operate not on the strength of God but we draw our strength from our wounds… things get really bad, really fast. How could it not? I learned this first hand this week. A good friend of mine came to visit for a few days. I love her dearly and she’s helped me walk out a ton of inner healing in the last year. I am grateful and extemely thankful that the Lord has placed her in my life. But this week, I struck back.

She said something that hurt my feelings. Instead of reprimanding her in love or even confessing that I was upset, I lashed out. Now she is wounded. Instead of being honest and saying, “I’m a human being and I hurt too,” I made her feel tiny and inconsequential. I pretended that I was 84% holier than her and that I was doing the right thing. But I wasn’t. Instead of giving that pain to Jesus, I held on tight and started to suffocate.

If your strength is in your wounds then you have no strength.

Ever since I’ve been back I’ve been concentrating on working so much that I forgot how to just be with Him. Lately it seems like I’ve been coming to the Prayer Room to get work done. I work on my novel, my sacred trust schedule, my memory verses.  I’ve been concentrating on that so hard that I’ve left no room for the Lord. Essentially, I’m saying “Sorry Lord, I’m too busy for You.”

That’s not okay.

Even now, I’m sitting through Matt Gilman’s intercession set. Natasha England, Luke Wood’s former chorus leader, is breaking it down on the mic. Everyone in the room is on their feet, clapping and crying out for the Lord to pour out His Spirit. They’re standing and interceding on behalf of Kansas City. I sit here working on my novel and updating my weekly blog, unmoved.

These past few weeks have been the hardest and the most fruitful weeks of my life. I’ve made so much headway in my novel. I’m understanding the Bible better than I ever have. But at the same time, I’m so far from Him.

I don’t think anyone reads this thing. But if you’re out there, I promise to never lie to you. If I’m doing poorly, I’m not going to lie about it. I’m going to put my heart out on my sleeve in hope that you’ll pray for me. So won’t you?

I was doubting whether or not I could ever change myself. Wondering whether loving God was worth it. I haven’t spoken to Him in months. I live here, but I barely go to the Prayer Room. It seems as though nothing can make me happy anymore. I’m partially convinced it will stay this way.

I’d convinced myself that none of it really mattered. This is all for nothing anyway.

Then two things happened. One much more significant than the other.

1. Mr. Tullis (or the Holiest man on Earth as I refer to him) said hello to me. Apparently, I’m not as invisible as I try to make myself.

2. And Katy Jorash walked by me.

I know that second statement probably sounds insignificant, if that. But it was the one that made me second guess myself.

I doubt that you, whoever you are, know Katy. She is beautiful, intelligent and wise. During my internship I got to know Jesus, it’s what I came here for. But I also got to know Katy. Yes, I found Him through the Bible and through encounter. But in a lot of ways, I learned who He is from other people. Katy is one of the most powerful reflections of Him that I’ve ever seen. She loves as He would love. Acts as He would act. In that one moment, when she walked by me ushering… I remembered who He was and who He is today. I saw Him reflected in her eyes.

And for one second, it all made sense again.
I guess it’s one second at a time from now on.

(Otherwise, I’d have to make that girl pace back in forth in front of me all day. )